What's Going On In My Head

As I was scrolling through Facebook this morning, I came across an article called, "20 Struggles You Go Through When You Date Someone With Anxiety". Being someone who struggles with anxiety everyday, I do a lot of research on the topic. This article had a lot of very interesting points that really hit home. 

Johnathan has had to learn to deal with my anxiety since we first started dating. When we got engaged I became more worried about how this part of me was going to affect him. There is a lot I am still learning about my anxiety and how I can manage it. So I am 100% sure that he is still learning as well. 

Here is the article for you to read if you would like to link back for the original thoughts. I am going to go through some of the points that really stood out and explain how they relate to me. (It's a pretty long post. If you stick around I know you love me.)

http://elitedaily.com/dating/dating-someone-with-anxiety/907721/

1. "A To-Do list is never optional."

Johnathan definitely knows this to be true. My to-do list helps me to take some of the chaos out of my head. If there is something that I need to remember to do, it will drive me crazy until I write it down. It is a very good way for me to manage my stress. Forgetting anything is not an option.

2. "You need to learn to read a room like a pro."

This topic is talking about knowing when I need to be left alone and when I need to be comforted. This is one of the aspects of my anxiety that both Johnathan and I are still trying to figure out. I don't like how the article puts all the pressure on him to figure out what I need. But it is very right that at any given moment that need is going to be different. I need to figure out a way to communicate which one I need without totally freaking out on him. (Again, still learning...)

3. "You never judge when it comes to self-medication."

With this topic, I know that Johnathan's job is to encourage me to "medicate" myself in the right and healthy way. But being told what to do is just going to make it worse. Having anxiety and having to be on medication makes me feel like something is wrong with me, so criticizing how I manage it isn't going to go over well. Help me stay organized, help me exercise on a regular basis and let me eat ten pounds of chocolate every once in a while. 

4. "Everything is the end of the world."

Every change, every unexpected turn of events, every extra little task is going to throw my whole day off. When something doesn't go as planned many people can see it for what it is, I can't see straight at all. Just the other day, I left a paper at home that I needed for class. My chest got tight, my head started to pound, my thoughts were racing and I was on the verge of crying hysterically. Seriously? 

5. "This person can be really manic and overwhelming."

I think these times are the scariest for Johnathan. But they are the times I am most thankful for him. I'm talking a mile a minute, nothing I'm saying makes any sense and then randomly I forget what I'm saying in the middle of a sentence. John stays calm and tries his best to listen to everything I say. Usually it's so jumbled he can only understand a sentence or two.

6. "There's no talking this person out of a freak-out."

He's tried. Many people have tried. But I get to a point where I can't come back down. I just have to freak out and get through that before I can be rational again. Maybe he should invest in a straitjacket. 

7. "You have to be available 24/7."

This is killer for us. When I'm losing it I have to talk to him immediately. This is not exactly possible all the time. The reality of that scares me a lot.

8. "You want to give advice, but you have to just listen."

I feel like this is any guy-girl relationship. But it's definitely true!

9. "Doing the smallest things will always be appreciated."

This is very true. I love Johnathan so much because he is going to take care of me no matter what. He is so good for me.

And last but not least...

10. "You know to steer clear of weed and cocaine."

HAHAHA! I had to add this one. It's just too good. Johnathan, would you be forced to arrest me?

My anxiety is something that I generally want to hide from people. But I realize that maybe talking about it can help both me and others. I've also found that anxiety is hard to describe and everyone suffers from it differently. The worst thing anyone can do is tell someone with anxiety that they don't have it that bad. Everyone has to live their life in a way that's best for them and it doesn't matter if that way is different than yours. 

Those Silly Sylli

So if you have ever been to college or are currently attending you have heard about syllabus week. 

"Sylli" week is the first week of classes where the professors introduce you to the class and prepare you for the next fifteen weeks of your life. Now, most students LOVE syllabus week. They are back on campus, back with their friends and they virtually have nothing to do but sleep through class and party all night. Sounds like a dream, right?

I wish! This college student, the one with the mad crazy anxiety, sees syllabus week as hell. I am in a new class, starting a new semester and everywhere I go professors are throwing future assignments at me. I mean reading all of your syllabi in the span of two days has you thinking of 30+ quizzes, 12 exams, 3 presentations, 5 final exams and all the other random assignments and papers thrown in there.  Is syllabi even a word?? How do these people sleep at night!

Then you have the professors that jump right into full blown lectures while I'm staring wide-eyed and horror struck at the board.

For me, syllabus readings are over and I can breath easy again and sprint head first into the semester. But as I sit here writing this, I realize that this could very well be my last syllabus week. This is my last semester of classes and who knows if I'll go on to graduate school. This realization makes me both joyous and sad. 

I'm sad because I honestly love school. I love learning, I love the structure, and I am good at it. My parents have always said that right now school is my job. And I love my job. But I graduate soon which means I have to get another job (hopefully one that pays me thousands and thousands instead of the other way around). I want to love that job as much as I love school. 

And I'm joyous because syllabi suck and I never want to see one again.

Good luck to all you students out there! Have a wonderful Spring semester!

(Photos from tumblr.com)

I'm Back and I'm Married

Hey I'm back!

And yes, I'm married!

I stole this picture from my uncle Josh

I haven't written in two weeks. My excuse is that I was getting married and then I was out of the country. These have been the best two weeks ever! Of course you'd expect me to write all about my wedding and honeymoon on this here blog but right now I just don't have it in me. 

To be completely honest when I got back from my honeymoon I seriously considered not blogging again. I just didn't feel like it was as important as other things that I need to do. But I decided to keep trying and not give up just yet.

This week I am just going to write about my first week and a half being married. I'm exhausted and busy and just don't have the energy to put together a post on the actual wedding day because that day was terrific and deserves so much better than a half-assed post.

In my opinion, being married rocks. I know I just started but this is definitely what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Johnathan and I are best friends and now we get to live life together. I know everyone is thinking "oh you are in your honeymoon stage. just you wait for real life to hit". And I say to you, "bull". John and I have been dating for almost six years now. Yes we are going to have trials, yes they are going to be different than when we were dating but no I don't think they are going to be too much for the foundation that we have been laying down for so long now. We are so ready for this.

Some main points that have been on my mind since our wedding:

1. This first time I really felt like an adult was the day that Johnathan and I packed our cars and moved me out of my childhood house. Driving down 50 toward our home hit me pretty hard. It's different than moving out to go to college, it's different than moving into your first apartment as a young single adult, it's OUR home.

2. I don't like having a new name. I feel like you're either really excited about it or you really aren't. I don't like it. Sorry John. 

3. Going to bed together. BEST THING EVER! The first two nights back in Salisbury we ate ice cream and watched "Friends" until late. I can get used to that. 

4. Unpacking is the worst thing ever. Packing in general is the worst. 

5. When we are exhausted our communication is so awful it's humorous. This seems pretty normal but tiny fights over where to put things are just stupid.

6. I've been crazy emotional since we got married. Again, sorry John.

7. The first meal I cooked him as his wife was beef and barley stew. I'm starting this marriage game off strong. 

8. Boys are weird.

So there you go. I'll try to be back on here again next week. Maybe with a little bit more about the actual wedding. Though maybe not because it's the first week of classes. 

It's A New Year

Good afternoon, beautiful readers!

I hope you had a wonderful New Year's Eve and that the first day of 2015 is treating you well. 

I was really lame this year and it was the first time since I can remember that I rang in the new year laying in bed, reading a book. Not even a good book I might add; "Wicked". I never saw the play but I had heard such hoopla about it that I thought I'd read it. I'm sorry but it's nothing great. A pretty slow read if you ask me. Anyway, back to the new year. Since John and my wedding is ten days away we decided that a New Year's party would just push us over the edge. 

2014 was a year of lots of highs and lows. 

Some highs for me were:

• Asking my friends to be my Bridesmaids. It's really come full circle this year!
• Moving into my first "big girl" apartment
• Planning a wedding is special and exciting!
• Slowly moving into Johnathan's apartment =)
• My family sent me my first Edible Arrangements and it was to die for!
• "Rescuing" the kids at Great Falls. The most embarrassing moment but it will definitely be a great story to have.
• Baby Sophia being born. I'm obsessed with her
• Our engagement pictures are absolutely gorgeous! 
• My wedding dress!!!!!
• Starting this blog
• Quitting my job. Best decision ever!
• Getting Josey, our super annoying, super wonderful pup!
• Getting straight A's after a very trying semester
• My Bridal Shower was beautiful
• My Bachelorette party was so fun!

And some lows were:

• My Grandma Kitt passing away in January. We are a few days away from it being a year ago. I love her so much and will be thinking about her on our wedding day. 
• Planning a wedding is stressful!
• Moving out of the Chesapeake Apartment. I loved my six roommates! They were very special to me!
• Had 2 too many trips to the ER this year.
• This year was hella stressful!

I'm so excited to see where 2015 takes me. It will be our first year of marriage, my last year of undergrad and hopefully a ton more fun in between! I'm incredibly blessed and thankful for everyone in my life. 

(photos from tumblr.com)

Merry Christmas 2014

Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope you are all having a wonderful morning filled with love and laughter!

This Christmas I am reminded of how blessed I am. I'm surrounded by people I love and we are eating such delicious food! It truly is great having a day relaxing with my family and getting to spend some quality time with them.

My family is pretty big on traditions. Since before I can remember, we have done the same thing every Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanksgiving is spent with my mom's side of the family and Christmas is spent with my dad's. Every Christmas morning, my family wakes up early and all gather in my parents room. My sister and I descend the stairs together so that we can both experience the surprise of all the presents. We sit in the same seats every year around the tree and we always start with the stockings. Stockings consist of makeup, candy and jewelry. We then go around the room exchanging gifts to each other. We sit in anticipation for each gift because each one is always so thought out. There's usually cheering as someone opens an especially exciting gift! 

After all the gifts are open, we put on a fashion show of everything we got. There's lots of Ooooing and Ahhhing. We eat breakfast and get ready for the day. We head to my Grandma Kitt's house for Christmas part 2! The present pile at her house is absolutely massive! We open presents here and spend the day relaxing with family and end the day with a feast!

I love Christmas. I love our traditions. I love my family.

This year's Christmas is a little different for us. 

It is the first Christmas since we lost my grandma. It has almost been a year since she passed. I still miss her just as much as I did then. I miss her everyday but especially today. There is a hole in our Christmas without her. I miss her laugh and her smile as we would open presents from her. I miss her stubbornness when we would try to get her to sit down and stop working in the kitchen. I miss her hugs. I miss her stories. I miss her influence in my life. 

Christmas is different this year without her. Our traditions are all thrown out the window. This family is going to have to find new traditions. I pray our new normal is as good as our old normal. 

As for today, I'm going to love on my family and be thankful for everything I have! I'm also going to wear a super cute outfit I know Grandma Kitt would be proud of.

God Bless you all! Merry Christmas!

(Photos from tumblr.com)

Bachelorette Party at it's Finest

I really thought that over break I would be able to post twice a week on here, but with the wedding almost three weeks away and Christmas next week, I am just as busy as ever. Instead of school, my days consist of wedding tasks, Christmas shopping and keeping an eye on Josey, who seems to have lost her mind lately. The one thing that is really a blessing is that I am catching up on sleep! It isn't until you start to sleep really well that your body finally shows you the damage that was being done before. 

Speaking of no sleep, last weekend was my Bachelorette Party! According to my sister, "what happens at the Bachelorette Party stays at the Bachelorette Party", but I will share a little. =)

The party started off a little fuzzy...

Becky was my ride to the beach house in Bethany and she had asked me earlier if it would be ok if we made a pit-stop to watch her little sister sing a solo in her school's Christmas program. Of course! Her little sister is adorable and I knew the party didn't really start until the next morning. 

We were at the program for about an hour and to be honest I was getting a little antsy. I was excited for my party, duh! Her sister was up next. Becky, her family and I waited in anticipation for her sister to come out. The song begins, her sister sings two lines and then walks off stage. We look at each other. Maybe she has more lines later? Nope. That was it! I don't think Becky's ever going to live that one down. It was hilarious! Making the bride late for her party for a solo that was maybe 4 seconds long! How dare she!?

We spent most of Saturday shopping at the outlets in Rehobeth. For dinner, we went to a restaurant called, "Irish Eyes". Coincidentally, I had been there before. It is an Irish Pub with live music and the best food you could ever find. Our table sat in silence as we enjoyed our food. It was that good. I saved half of my Reuben sandwich for Johnathan but ended up eating it myself. I'm not sorry either.

My bridesmaid's are really incredible. I feel like you always hear horror stories about bridesmaid's gone bad but my girls are top notch. They all took such great care of me and made sure everything went smoothly. Being a person who needs to have control, I was confident that everything was being taken care of while I just relaxed. 

It was such a great way to end the semester and to spend some time with my closest friends. You really know someone loves you when they agree to be a bridesmaid because it sure isn't a walk in the park! 

Thank you so much to these wonderful women! And a huge huge huge thanks to my Maid of Honor and my sister for planning this whole thing!

What Is My Crazy Life?

At this point, twelve hours a night has become the requirement for me to function normally throughout the day. Of course, this isn't exactly possible, resulting in me not functioning even close to normal. 

It's been a crazy week.

I'd first like to tell you why my family is the worst. They all decided to come into this world really close to Christmas. My mom has a birthday in October, my dad and fiance have birthdays in December, and my sister has a birthday in January. I believe they are all conspiring together to see how close to broke they can get me. And every year...they succeed.  

Last Friday was Johnathan's birthday. I planned a tiny, tiny party that consisted of beer tasting and a baked potato bar (basically I was trying to accumulate wife points early). This was my first time hosting anything and the perfectionist in me was FREAKING out! I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to 1. throw the perfect party 2. make Johnathan proud and 3. make sure he knew how much I loved him. I managed to chill myself out enough to really enjoy the party and I was really satisfied with how it went. I think Johnathan had a pretty banging birthday!

I learned that hosting is a very rewarding activity. I'm almost hoping that this is what God can use me for as a service to Him. Key word is "almost". Guys, I was exhausted. Being an introvert, it took every ounce of my energy to throw this party. By the end, I had nothing left. I was so happy and fulfilled the next day but I could not get myself off the couch. I will have to find a balance because the satisfaction of serving people in my home felt good and felt right.

The next day, John and I went to my friend's wedding which was magical and wonderful and I was an emotional mess. I think weddings become a lot more real when you are about to have one yourself =) My friends stood up in front of everyone and took a vow to love each other forever. That's amazing!

This leads to the fact that we are a month away from our wedding!!! I think I may write a post about the whole engagement process because there is so much to be said about the journey that it is. We are also two days away from being engaged for a year! 

There's other crazy things that happened this week; my dog destroying the apartment, finals, and the Victoria Secret Fashion Show (haha just kidding!).  

All in all, I think this has been a pretty good week. Though I wouldn't mind a more relaxed one in the future...