You know the feeling of needing closure? Of course you do. Everyone has that moment. I've been having that feeling a lot lately. I want to get rid of all the baggage (or at least have control over it) before I marry Johnathan. I know, I know, that's not exactly realistic, but I still want to try!
There are certain things in my past that have affected and changed me. Nothing horrific! But still things that I'd like to confront and officially close. There were certain friendships that were extremely toxic to me (and that's as specific as I'm going to get). I've considered writing letters to these people, but then realized that's more effort on my part and to be frank, they really aren't worth it. But I'm still left feeling like that period isn't over for me.
Are these past friendships hindering the ones I am making today? I believe they are. Because of them I am slow to trust and quick to self-blame. That's not fair. Your friends should not make you feel worthless, but mine did.
I don't want this lack of self-confidence to take away from my relationship with my soon-to-be husband or the friends I have that actually love me. It takes a long time for me to fully let myself rest in the friendship and allow myself to believe that the fondness goes both ways.
Your friends should stand up for you.
Your friends should make the effort to see you.
Your friends should include you.
Your friends should care about how you are doing.
Your friends should build you up.
Your friends should check up on you.
Your friends should encourage you.
Your friends should appreciate you.
Your friends should love you.
Mine didn't.
Because of this, I am eternally grateful that God put the friends that I have now in my life. Thank you for standing up for me. Thank you for making the effort to see me. Thank you for including me. Thank you for caring about how I am. Thank you for building me up from the bottom where I was. Thank you for checking on me constantly. Thank you for encouraging me every day. Thank you for appreciating me. Thank you for loving me. Each day I work towards loving each and every one of you better because I never want you to feel anything less than adored.
Resting in the fact that God's love is enough is a tough lesson for me. There are days when I duck and hide when I see someone from my past, so that I don't have to deal with the ugly feelings. Then there are days when I smile and say hello, because it doesn't matter if they love me or even like me. Praying that you have more days of smiling and saying hello than ducking and hiding.
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